A Call to Arms: Boycotting Aging
Greetings to my thousand fans out thereóminus nine-hundred and ninety-nineótoday I come to you hat in hand, with a personal request. I implore you, entreat youócan you tell Iím using a thesaurus?óto band together in my call for a boycott of aging. My reasons for this boycott? Simple. In September, on the eleventh day of the month, I will be turning thirty, and Iíve decided that that is just not acceptable! This is my show! Iím the star of it! Iím not supposed to age and fade out and make room for some younger version of me to take my place! Not before Iím ready! Not before I say so!...Did that make me sound kind of crazyódelusional? SorryÖsomeone noticed some gray in my hair.
Aging was never something I had intended to do. I had planned to stumble upon some fountain of youth that would allow me to be as I am for as long as I choose, but it seems that that old bastard Time has successfully conspired to ruin my plans. So, barring a miracle, Iíve decided that I can not afford to wait for fate to intervene. I call to you all to lend your assistance in forcing Time to stand still.
But Iím not just doing this for me. No. This is for you all now. Join me in this boycott and all of us will reap the benefits. Think about it. We are more than six billion and counting on this planet; we donít need anymore people. Personally, I think that this generation, this time period offers the best diversity, the best trends, and the best opportunities of the past sixty-five billion years. We donít need to progress any further for a while. If we all stayed exactly as we are now, what would be the harm in that? It would give us all a chance to do things we would not have had the opportunity to do with old Time holding the reins. Depose Time and we can live practically immortal for as long as we cared to do so, subject to death only when our bodies were too injured to sustain life. If a few million of us die within the first century or two, it wonít really adversely affect the populations. Hell, itíll be to the benefit of our environment. The birth rate and the death rate are pretty much even right now, but in a few years, that might change and weíll be vastly over populated.
Why now and not a year ago, two years ago or a decade ago, you might ask? Well, Iím pretty happy being twenty-nine. I donít want to get any older. Thirty sounds so much worse than twenty-nine. Iím healthy, in decent shape, I look as good if not better than I have in my life so faróno acne, no awkward growth spurtsóIím pretty level headed now, I know who I am and what I want, and Iím taking steps to achieving my goals. My only problem, I donít know where Iíll be or in what condition Iíll be in if and when I finally achieve those goals. Hell, what fun is it to publish a book, buy a house, earn a good living and be able to indulge in some hobbies, if by the time I do it, Iím so old, all I can do is complain about how long it took me so long to get what I want? I want to be able to live my dreams and know that I have more time ahead of me to enjoy it than behind me.
Iím sure some of you can agree with this. But this boycott will not just benefit me. Think of the advantages of never aging. Teenagers, youíll get to keep your good bodies, keep all that energyÖ and keep on having lots of sex.
Women with babies, you get to keep your little bundle of joy for hundreds of years. Look at that face! Look at that little face!
Scientists and college students will have all the time in the world to learn all they need and want to learn. Doctors, a seven year internship at a hospital will seem like nothing when you take into account that youíll have hundreds of years to practice your craftóand get paid for it.
Everyone can, literally, change careers at any point in their life. You can try one path, test it out for about fifty years and then, if you get bored with it or decide that it was the wrong path, try something different. If done right, eventually, the entire world will be super-educated.
As for those who are already retired or elderlyÖwell, sorry. Youíre pretty much f#*$ed, but hey, you canít halt time without screwing over the generation that didnít think about this first.
And to all the pregnant women, in the middle of morning sickness, sorry, butÖpat your belly and wait for those above mentioned scientist to come up with a way to keep you from throwing up all day. Itís bound to happen.
Now for those of you who are still skeptical, know that this doesnít have to be a permanent boycott, just until I learn all that I need to and have done all that Iím going to and am bored with it all. Then you can all go back to growing old and dying and whatever else it is that you were doing before.
So, scientists around the world put your collective heads together and come up with a way to kick that old bastard Time in the ass and get him to roll over like the whipped and mewling bitch heís trying to turn each and every one of us intoólike he deserves to be. Or, better yet, will someone construct that time machine that people have been trying to make since the first caveman clubbed and dragged off the mate of his friend in the next cave and regretted it in the morning.
Until thenÖhurry up! You have until September!! Donít let Time cancel my show!