Feature Article
Things To Do To Make People Think You Are Crazy: Work Edition
by Ismael Manzano
Hello again, my loyal fan. A while back you—yeah I’m talking to you, and just you—I wrote an article entitled “Things To Do To Make People Think You’re Crazy.” It got such positive reviews, won so many awards and placed me into the contendership—yeah I made up a word, so what—for the Nobel Prize. As a result, I decided to write a sequel to it, specifically for those of us that must work every day of our lives. So sit back, relax and enjoy this latest edition of Thing To Do To Make People Think You Are Crazy.
Make every Monday, Pants’ Off, Dance Off Day.
Find the midget in your job and convince them that half-days and half-off sales are racist remarks and demand a boycott.
When someone asks you if you’re working hard or hardly working, spit in their face. That may not get people to think you are crazy, but it’ll certainly get you fired or get them to stop saying that god awful phrase—either way, a plus.
While holding a—and I can’t stress this enough—TOY gun, stare out of a window until someone asks you want you are looking at. Then explain that you are waiting for the signal to begin the culling.
Instead of having conversations around the water cooler, have a conversation with the water cooler. And when the ten gallon bottle is replaced, send out a memo to everyone warning that the person responsible for the early retirement of the last water cooler bottle will be sternly punished.
In a meeting, suddenly shout out “Crack is whack! What? Who said that?” And then hold everyone in the meeting until someone else admits to having said it.
On your desk, instead of family pictures, display several pictures of chalk outlines; when someone asks what those are, tell them they are your family and go on to discuss each of them in detail.
Wear your clothing inside-out, refuse to listen to anyone who tries to point this out to you.
If you do not have the authority to do so, randomly fire people you meet throughout the day; if you have the authority to do so, beg random people not to fire you.
Announce at a meeting that you’ve come up with a system by which you sell pieces of the company to common people, hence allowing regular people to make money while increasing the company’s profit; call it the stock market. The following week, invent taxes; the week after that, paychecks; and the week after that, propose getting rid of paychecks and going back to the tried and true bartering method—bring a few goats to start the trades off with.
Apply for the job you already have. Explain to your boss that you have intimate experience in this field. When told that you already have the position and hence can not get hired for it, explain how you’re willing to quit your current job if hired for this job.
In conclusion, all jobs, grand or small, in some way or another, suck the proverbial ass. I hope this little tirade of mine will help get you through your next ass-sucking work day.
Related Article: Things To Do To Make People Think You're Crazy
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