Feature Article

I, Mutant 

by Ismael Manzano


       Ladies and gentlemen, my loyal weblander, I come to you today with joyous news for every geek, dweeb, and dork, who ever lusted over the pages of an X-men comic book and wished they could be a mutant.  Well, the future is here!  Yes, mutants are among us!  How do I know?  Well, because I am one!  That’s right, my doctor confirmed it; I am a mutant, complete with a genetic abnormality.

      So, in the tradition of Howard Stern and all the shock jock clones that came after him, I present to you, my pain, for your amusement.  What’s my mutant power, you ask?  I’ll give you a hint—it sucks!  I have a genetic mutation that predisposes me to blood clots!  Cool right?  Just like the X-men, right?  Just think of all the wonderful things I could do with that ability…give me a minute…I’m trying to think…Oh yeah!  I can CLOT BLOOD!  Not anyone else’s blood, just mine, and not on purpose either.  This means, if I don’t take medication, I could get a blood clot and suffer a stroke or something like that. Think Xavier will take me in to his school for the gifted? 

      The funny thing about this abnormality is that it is genetic, but so far, no one in my family—assuming they bothered getting tested—has this mutation.  And no I’m not adopted.  The other funny thing about this abnormality is that it is extremely rare, showing up in about 2% of Africans and less than 1% of Caucasians…I’m F*&#ing Puerto Rican?  Where do I fall in?  (Okay, an anthropology student told me that there are actually only four races—black, white, Indian and Asian—and everything else is the result of either slight variations or mixing, but you could imagine my surprise before I was told this).  So basically, I have some pretty lousy luck in the genes department. 

       That’s what I get, not angel’s wings, or invisibility or telepathy, like I used to wish so hard for as a child.  No!  I get lazy, lethargic, directionless blood that doesn’t know when to keep going or not stick to my veins.  I get blood that wants to collect in groups by my heart and have a party with other blood cells, block traffic and ruin everybody’s day!  Thanks a lot fate!  I really appreciate this!  It’s bad enough you gave me one arm that is a little darker and a lot hairy than the other, now you had to go and give me retard, frat-boy blood cells that get so drunk they don’t know their cell walls from their mitochondria!    

       Where’s the power of magnetism?  Where’s the healing factor?  Where’s the cool ray beams shooting from my eyes, the mastery over the weather, or the super strength?  Hell, where’s the ability to NOT have to take blood thinners?  At this point, I’d settle for the mutant power of having twenty/twenty vision.  Or even the mutant power of not having the mutation that predisposes me to clotting.  I should sue Marvel.  Their version of a mutant-populated world is a fairy tale and gave me false hope. 

       It would at least be cool if I could hone that power to clotting or unclotting other people’s blood.  That might have some practical usage.  The only positive use to this ability has that I can see would be in giving myself a stroke or making me explode a blood vessel in my brain so that I can die and avoid jail time! 

      The only reason I’m being facetious about the whole thing is because there are millions of other people with genetic abnormalities that are far worse than mine—dwarfism, retardation, scoliosis, just to name a few  All in all, I consider myself lucky…you should too.  Hope my pointless rant about my own little problem helped.

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