Feature Article
I Probably Hate You Because...
by Ismael Manzano
Attention! Attention! Back by popular demand, I bring to you another pointless rant about random thoughts that are floating around in my dysfunctional head. There’s really no order to these, save for the common link that I really do hate everybody. I’m not joking. I’m not being witty or cool. I really hate everybody.
For the record, I have a handful of friends—if half my hand had been blown away by a firecracker—and I don’t need or want anymore. Anyone else who isn’t in my mangled circle of non-hated people fall into the highly exclusive club of people whom I detest with all my being. Below are a few examples of the excuses I use to justify my unreasonable and groundless resentment.
If you’re a prostitute—god bless you for all your hard work—I’ll most likely hate you because you can get people to pay to take a dip in your disease-filled pool, when I can’t get one person to pay five bucks for a hardcopy of my manuscript from a Print on Demand website.
If you’re black I most likely hate you because I can’t pull off a rap and look stupid saying words like ‘dawg’ or ‘westsi-ide.’ If you’re white, I most likely hate you because I never did look good on a skateboard and long hair just looked plain embarrassing—like a half-washed mutt.
If you’re rich, I most likely hate you because the things you do because you’re bored would land me back in a mental hospital—did I say back? If you’re poor I most likely hate you because there’s nothing you can do to make your lives any worse; it could only go up from here.
If you’re Puerto Rican, I most likely hate you because I am too, and yet I can’t communicate with you in either language. If you’re not, I probably hate you because you expect me to speak Spanish, even after knowing that I was born and raised in New York City.
If you’re two years old, I most likely hate you because you’ll always be cuter than me, fat looks good on you, you can drool without being smacked by your wife, and you probably make more sense than I do. If you’re old, I most likely hate you because you get to retire and I still have to work every f’ing day of my f’ing life until I’m your age, you bastards!
If you’re a woman, I most likely hate you because you grew your own boobs at twelve, and I had to wait until I was twenty-five to get a pair for myself. If you’re a man, I most likely hate you because you’re a guy and that’s what guys do.
If you’re a pair of gay cowboys working in a gay-sounding mountain in the 1960’s, I hate you because people will talk more about what you do in private than anything I’ll ever do in public.
If you’re my wife I probably hate you because you were crazy enough to marry me—how normal can you be? If you aren’t married to me, I probably hate you because you aren’t married to me and that’s just not fair.
If you’re a published writer, I DO hate you, because why should you get to be published when I’m not. I’m not being selfish, I just think that my stuff—good or bad or ugly—should be automatically published without having to ever be judged by anyone. In fact, they should make a computer that will spit out my book at super speed and catapult them directly into your laps while a separate robot takes the money required to have the privilege of having my book thrown at you. I’M SERIOUS!
If you just laughed at what you read, I definitely hate you.
If you read and like my articles, I probably hate you because none of you have found a way to make me a published writer! Really—I hate you. If you like my stuff so much…PAY IT FORWARD!!
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