by Ismael Manzano
Ladies and gentleman, join me as I test a theory that has been circulating around my head for some time now. The theory: that no one in my family has ever or will ever read my articles, despite my having told them about it several times. My rant this time out is called Inbred Nation, and is an semi-autobiographical tale of the birth of your most beloved ruler of pop culture—me.
As I’ve said before in my rant, I, Mutant, I am have a genetic abnormality that predisposes me to blood clots, and no one in my family seems to share this, heredity genetic trait. The reason for this—hold your breath—is because I am—no kidding—inbred…don’t all of you gasp at once—no, seriously, don’t act like this actually explains my entire personality! I am not a freak! I am, however, the main character of my own, number one, hit—in my own mind—show, and not—I might add—crazy or a freak.
But back to the point. I am inbred. I won’t divulge the identities of the culprits, but two people, in my family, who were cousins, met, got married, and, after one failed experiment, created me—the uber-Manzano. Before you go getting judgmental on these two anonymous people, know that they did not grow up together. One grow up in NYC and the other grew up in PR, and never did their paths cross until they were fully grown, and—contrary to popular belief—they did not meet at a family function. Although I had to imagine the conversation between them upon meeting went something like this:
“Hello, please to meet you…Funny, that’s my cousin’s name…I was supposed to meet her here today…right here, right where I found you sitting…Wow, we have the same last name...what a coincidence…you have family here too…hey that’s my mother’s building…hey, that’s my mother’s apartment…imagine that, we have the same grandparents…what are the odds?...we have so much in common…want to go out with me?”
A couple of years later began the greatest show of all time, with the introduction of me into the world. Me—all the genetic DNA of both sides of the family, the best and the brightest of each side…with a few drawbacks to boot. What drawbacks, you might ask? Well, aside from the genetic abnormality that comes from nowhere, but how about the weird brown, hairy patch on my arm that showed up when I was about seven and continued to grow until I was about eighteen, when it stopped and stayed fixed, from the back of my shoulder, down to my forearm. Thanks a whole lot, people who produced me! Although it is kind of funny that that patch of brown skin is much tougher than my regular skin, judging by the amount of effort that it takes the doctors to give me tetanus shot in that arm.
There are some good points to having a family tree with no branches. For one, everybody is a cousin. My brother is my cousin, my parents are technically my second cousins, my cousins are also my third, fourth and fifth cousins, my uncles and aunts, are my second cousins…hell, I’m my own cousin. Being the uber-Manzano, allows me the ultimate icebreaker: “Hello, my name is Ismael, I’m inbred, and you?” The reaction of people helps me to gauge their personality and their character…plus its fun to see the expression on their faces as they tried to cycle through the different relative combinations that could have produced me before I tell them that my parents were cousins.
Also, if I hadn’t met and married my wife, I might have dipped into the gene pool to dredge up a wife. Hey, don’t judge, I have some mighty fine looking cousins. There’s one that looks just like me…sexy.
But the best thing of all about being the uber-Manzano, is that one day, I will call upon all the inbred children of the world to rise up and join my army, and together, I shall make a new country within this country—an inbred nation, that I will rule over as it’s sovereign. Yeah, that’s the best thing of all. So all you inbred bastards, get ready, cause soon, I’ll will call upon you, and if you want to be part of the greatest show in the world—my show—you’ll take up ranks and join me under my banner—which is a picture of a branchless tree. I’ll be looking forward to that day.
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