If I Was Rich
Hello weblanders of all ages, races, creeds and stereotypes, you’re friendly neighborhood ranter is coming to you with another he-must-have-been-drunk-when-he-thought-of-this article. This one is entitled, ‘If I Was Rich, I’d Pay People To…’
As many of you know—seeing as you are all so closely entrenched in the comings and going of my life, being such devoted fans—I am not rich, probably as far from rich as I could ever handle being without blowing my head off. And as a non-rich person, my every waking day and night is spent imagining what I would do if I was blessed with wealth and fortune. I ran through the boring stuff of helping the poor and buying my family homes real quick. But since I didn’t get rich when I promised the fates that I would do only good with the money, I got more creative. This is a more accurate account of the inner workings of my mind. So without further ado—If I Was Rich, I’d…
…Hire the future’s equivalent of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to play my future son’s parents when he brings his friends over, just to make sure he’s popular. On the other hand, if my future daughter was to bring home a date, I’d hire a homeless man with turrets to play her father and scare her boyfriend. And just to be a jerk, I’d make him sit in the corner wearing nothing but a dirty sack, and pay my wife to throw food at him.
…Pay a group of actors to act out my live action Yu-gi-oh card game on a real stage. I’ll give them names like ‘Beaver Warrior’ and ‘Horned Dragon’ and make them act out fight scenes in which they bite or slash at each other. I’d also pay some kids to agree to have their hair cut like Yu-gi-oh and dramatically announce every move they make. And just to convince people that this is a social experiment, I’ll rent Madison Square Garden, run nonstop ads on MTV and see who shows up.
…Hire Hugh Jackman to play me. Not in a movie or a play or anything like that, but in my current job. Yeah, I’d keep my job. Do you think I want to pay for my own health benefits? I’ll pay Mr. Wolverine, to do my job from day to day, and pretend to be me. I’ll even pay him extra if he does it in full Wolverine garb and calls everyone “Bub.” Why? Cuz I’d be rich enough to do it, and cuz, I want everyone to say that Ismael Manzano is cool.
…Pay someone to dress up in a giant condom suit, go to a hospital, and laugh at the women who are giving birth. While some might find this cruel, I find it educational. How so? Well, being as I’m rich, I don’t have to answer that.
…Create my own, new Miss America beauty pageant that allows animals to compete along side humans. And just for a roll, I’ll make sure the anorexic chimpanzee wins. That’ll definitely challenge the country’s contemporary views on beauty, and it’ll go a long way to proving that I’m not just eccentric, but actually a little crazy, which has been a life long dream of mine.
…Pay a group of people to commit crimes around me just so that I could run in and stop them. Did I mention that I’ll pay them to be frightened of me, and scream, “Oh no, it’s Super Macho Man! He’s too sexy! Run for your lives,” and then run away from me. Hey, I was never very popular in High School. I deserve some compensation.
(This is one I’m going to hell for)…I’d pay someone to pretend to be the second coming of Christ and instruct him to use only parables that relate to the game Twister. “It is easier for a man to place right hand on red while having left foot on green than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” After that joke, I hope if I do rich, I end up with more money than God, because I’ll have to buy my way into heaven.