Why Am I Still Watching This?

by Ismael Manzano


     Have you ever sat in front of your television set, mindlessly watching a program out of habit, when the burning question that has plagued mankind since the beginning of time finally dawns upon you: why am I still watching this utter piece of crap?  I found myself in that very situation the other day, when watching the season finale of Smallville.  This isn’t the first time I’ve written about this topic.  Those of you who are loyal followers of mine will know about my rant entitled, “Why Smallville Would be Better Without Clark,” but upon further consideration, I realized that problem goes deeper than that.  The entire show is a one big, insulting, steaming, pile of incoherent, nonsensical fecal matter. 

     What’s my problem with Smallville?  Aside from the obvious—the obvious being Clark’s character is the whiniest, most hypocritical, moron I’ve ever seen—they’re completely destroying the Superman lore.  Mind you, I am not, nor have I ever been a big Superman fan, and originally the premise of the series sounded good—follow Clark Kent before he became Superman; and Lex Luthor is his friend too boot.  That would have been fine, if that had been the extent to which they changed things, but the writers of this forsaken show did not stop there.

     I’ll start with the cameos the writers causally and flippantly throw into the show as if their storylines and presence in the Superman universe were nothing more than a superpowered joke.  The Flash—whose identity they never nailed down—was a street kid/thief.  And while I believe the character was closer to Impulse than the Flash, neither character’s history fit with the annoying punk they showed on the television series.  Then there was Cyborg, who’s character they came close to nailing down, but they ruined it with his physical appearance and Lex Luthor’s involvement in Cyborg’s creation.  And don’t get me started on how Clark treats these superpowered “friends” of his.  He treats them with disdain and judgment, as if, because they are gifted or abnormal, they are somehow wicked.  A psychologist would have a field day with that little crybaby. 

     And the character I liked the least is the one that—according to rumors—is going to be getting his own show.  Aquaman.  They completely screwed with his storyline, made him into a playboy environmentalist with no discernable source for his superpowers.  And while the subtle jokes about the Junior Lifeguard Association (JLA) made between him and Clark were amusing, it did not pay back the mess the writers made of that episode. 

     Which brings me to Clark’s biological father, Jo’rel.  What the $*$* is his story?  I don’t know about you, but I thought that when the planet you live in blows up with you in it, you die.  Dead people, regardless of what planet they’re from, can not control flying spaceships, possesses people, strip Clark of his powers, endow Jonathan Kent and Lionel Luther with superpowers, make deals with his son, prophesize, and—my favorite—turn back time at the behest of his son, whom he is actively grooming to take over the world.  I would understand if Jo’rel was incarnated in some sort of interactive, high-tech, artificial intelligence, but to be actively involved in all aspects of Clark’s life is a virtual slap in the face. 

     Then there’s the Brainiac and Zod.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but Brainiac was a sophisticated android, not a shape-shifting, multiplying, T-1000-lookalike who is somehow connected to a spaceship.  And Zod, to my knowledge, never worked for anyone but Zod, and he certainly did not need to take over anyone’s body in order to come back from the Phantom Zone.  And since when did Lex get all of Superman’s powers?  Exactly how are they going to come back from that one in the next season?  How is anyone going to go back to their normal—Clark isn’t a superhero crap—life?  How many sudden cases of amnesia are we expected to buy as viewers of the show?    

     But my absolute biggest problem with the show is that I can not, for the life of me, seem to stop watching the show.  No matter how absurd, how farfetched or how insulting the storyline gets, no matter how far removed from the comic books series the plot goes, I still find myself sitting in front of the television set every week watching this reject from a bad Kryptonian soap opera!  Will someone please cancel this show so I can get on with my life!!!

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Why Smallville Would Be Better Without Clark

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