Thirty And Hating It
by Ismael Manzano
This past Monday marked a turning point in my life. It was the day that I realized that you people arenít the diehard fans I once thought you were. You called yourselves zealots, called yourselves loyal, but in the end, not a one of you cared enough to blindly follow your masterís orders and do what you were told to do. What am I talking about? My boycott of course! What boycott? Donít you pay attention? A while ago, I wrote a rant, calling for a boycott to aging. Well, guess what? My birthday came and went, and aging has continued as usual. I asked everyone to join me in the boycott to stop aging and keep me at the glorious age of twenty-nine forever, but no-ooóyou wouldnít listen.
I tried to be reasonable, tried to point out the pros of such a boycott, but apparently you werenít interested. Well, now Iím thirty and let me tell you all somethingóIím taking all of you ungrateful, lazy, bastards with me. You heard me. If Iím going down the geriatric drain you are all going down it with me. For those of you with low IQs let me break it down for you.
Since you arenít interested in not aging, let me tell you what youíve opted to live with instead. Youíve opted to live with progressively failing bodies. That means, failing vision, loss of hearing, weakened muscles, graying skin, and Ėfor you guysóweak or infrequent erectionsÖOh yeah! Doesnít all that sound like fun? Doesnít it just make you want to grow up faster? Doesnít it just make you want to slap on a diaper in preparation for the inevitable? No? Why not? You chose this. You had the choice to stop aging and you blew it. You blew it like youíll be blowing on the soup youíll be eating everyday because youíll be too old to chew real food. Sounds like fun right? It must sound like fun to you masochistic freaks, because you couldnít do me this one favor and help yourselves at the same time.
So now Iím giving you one last chance. Thatís right, one last chance. Iím willing to compromise if you are. Iím willing to stay thirty; even though I hate it, Iím willing to deal with it. Even though I can no longer say Iím in my twenties; even though in the last few weeks, Iíve learned about some regrettable medical conditions; even though I feel as if Iíve lost a few brain cells over the last week; even though my reflexes have slowed considerably since turning thirty; even though, since turning thirty, my hair has turned white overnight; even though life is now a hard battle with my weakened body, Iím willing to remain thirty, for the sake of you, my loyal fans. If you are willing to boycott aging now, if you are willing to halt Time for your own benefit, then Iíll go along and remain at this, horribly, crippling, diminished ageófor you.
So there you have it, my second call to arms. This time, Iím willing to work with you, for you, to free us all of this dreaded aging disease. If you can live with dying slowly for the course of the next few decades, then, by all means, don't listen to me. But if you want to live forever be young and free of restrictions, never have to worry about the fragile state of our country's (if you're from the U.S.) social security system, then join me in my boycott. It's the right thing to do. Trust me. Say no to proposition "Aging and Death," and say yes to proposition, "Save Ismael From Turning Thirty One." Thank you for your time...and the boycott that I know you will carry out this time.