Feature Article
Thirty And Hating It
by Ismael Manzano
This past Monday marked a turning point in my life. It was the day that I realized that you people aren’t the diehard fans I once thought you were. You called yourselves zealots, called yourselves loyal, but in the end, not a one of you cared enough to blindly follow your master’s orders and do what you were told to do. What am I talking about? My boycott of course! What boycott? Don’t you pay attention? A while ago, I wrote a rant, calling for a boycott to aging. Well, guess what? My birthday came and went, and aging has continued as usual. I asked everyone to join me in the boycott to stop aging and keep me at the glorious age of twenty-nine forever, but no-oo—you wouldn’t listen.
I tried to be reasonable, tried to point out the pros of such a boycott, but apparently you weren’t interested. Well, now I’m thirty and let me tell you all something—I’m taking all of you ungrateful, lazy, bastards with me. You heard me. If I’m going down the geriatric drain you are all going down it with me. For those of you with low IQ’s let me break it down for you.
Since you aren’t interested in not aging, let me tell you what you’ve opted to live with instead. You’ve opted to live with progressively failing bodies. That means, failing vision, loss of hearing, weakened muscles, graying skin, and –for you guys—weak or infrequent erections…Oh yeah! Doesn’t all that sound like fun? Doesn’t it just make you want to grow up faster? Doesn’t it just make you want to slap on a diaper in preparation for the inevitable? No? Why not? You chose this. You had the choice to stop aging and you blew it. You blew it like you’ll be blowing on the soup you’ll be eating everyday because you’ll be too old to chew real food. Sounds like fun right? It must sound like fun to you masochistic freaks, because you couldn’t do me this one favor and help yourselves at the same time.
So now I’m giving you one last chance. That’s right, one last chance. I’m willing to compromise if you are. I’m willing to stay thirty; even though I hate it, I’m willing to deal with it. Even though I can no longer say I’m in my twenties; even though in the last few weeks, I’ve learned about some regrettable medical conditions; even though I feel as if I’ve lost a few brain cells over the last week; even though my reflexes have slowed considerably since turning thirty; even though, since turning thirty, my hair has turned white overnight; even though life is now a hard battle with my weakened body, I’m willing to remain thirty, for the sake of you, my loyal fans. If you are willing to boycott aging now, if you are willing to halt Time for your own benefit, then I’ll go along and remain at this, horribly, crippling, diminished age—for you.
So there you have it, my second call to arms. This time, I’m willing to work with you, for you, to free us all of this dreaded aging disease. If you can live with dying slowly for the course of the next few decades, then, by all means, don't listen to me. But if you want to live forever be young and free of restrictions, never have to worry about the fragile state of our country's (if you're from the U.S.) social security system, then join me in my boycott. It's the right thing to do. Trust me. Say no to proposition "Aging and Death," and say yes to proposition, "Save Ismael From Turning Thirty One." Thank you for your time...and the boycott that I know you will carry out this time.
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