Rant   Barbie Dolls Never Sold In Stores   by Melissa Minners               When the Barbie doll debuted at New York’s Annual Toy Fair in 1959, there were many skeptics.  After all, most three dimensional dolls at the time were baby dolls, not teenage fashion models.  Who was going to buy this new creation?  But the Barbie manufacturers held steadfast in their resolve to make the Barbie doll America’s favorite doll.  Indeed, they have succeeded.  Many a child has enjoyed hours of fun with their Barbie doll.  But the fun doesn’t stop with just one Barbie doll – there are a ton of different Barbies to choose from, not to mention the friends and accessories like clothing, pets, playsets, townhouses, cars, etc.  Adults are getting into the action, too, picking up special collector’s edition Barbies which represent characters from favorite movies or television shows, people from different countries or occupations, and more.             It is the expansion of the Barbie enterprise which used to only have one doll and a multitude of accessories and playsets that sparked a conversation between myself and a friend.  That, and nearly getting creamed by someone in a car on a cellphone with the plastic looks of a Barbie doll.  That conversation about the murderous Barbie look-a-like is the inspiration for this rant entitled, Barbie Dolls Never Sold In Stores.  Enjoy the list below – by the time you read it, the makers of Barbie may have already stolen my ideas.  I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, I’m just poking fun, but if you just read the article, you’ll agree with me – there’s just no way anyone is gonna find one of these on the shelf.   Serial Killer Barbie – This Barbie doll comes complete with a multitude of automatic weaponry, a machete, an axe, a knife and a crazed look in her eye.  Matching car and cellphone optional.  Join Barbie as she mows down her enemies…and a few friends (look out Midge!) one by one while still looking fashionable.   Homeless Barbie - This Barbie doll comes complete with filmy residue, a FUNK spray, ragged looking clothing and a gaunt look.  Sorry, no further accessories available.   Terrorist Barbie – This Barbie’s accessories can be interchanged with many of the Serial Killer Barbie accessories.  Also includes numerous electronic devices and bottles resembling unknown lethal chemicals.   Dumbass Barbie – This Barbie comes complete with that dazed and confused look (not to be confused with Drug Addicted Barbie).  Dumbass Barbie talks saying things like, “That Paris Hilton is just sooooo smart!” and “Why can’t I drive while text messaging my friends?”  Batteries not included.   Drug Addicted Barbie – Customize this Barbie with your choice of addiction – How about the powdered nose look?  Shakes and tremors?  Acne?  Pock marks?  Miniature syringes, bongs, vials and other paraphernalia sold separately.   Inmate Barbie – Choose from orange, striped or blue jumpsuits.  Jailhouse tattoos sold separately.  Also available: Inmate Barbie Jailhouse Playset   Disabled Barbie – Now, as I understand it, the company did release a doll in a wheelchair that was supposed to be a disabled friend of Barbie.  However, Share a Smile Becky had quite a few issues.  First, none of the Barbie playsets were wheelchair accessible.  Second, the wheelchair did not include a seatbelt, leading to bad tumbles for Becky.  (If you think I’m making this up, run a search of Share a Smile Becky and you’ll find this is a true story.)  It’s nice and all that they issued a doll in a wheelchair, but what about all of the other disabilities out there.  The company stated that the Barbie family needed to be more inclusive.  Well, what about amputees?  I suppose kids could pretty much make those themselves, so all that would need to be provided are accessories.  And what about the hearing / sight impaired?  C’mon folks – wheelchairs aren’t going to cut it.    Prostitute Barbie – Why not?  Ken thinks she’s one anyway.  Comes with a tube top, ultra mini skirt, fishnet stockings and a bad attitude.  Daisy Duke shorts, other fashion accessories and Pimpin’ Derek sold separately.   Homosexual Barbie – Didn’t the company say the Barbie family needed to be more inclusive?  Wouldn’t you just love to see what they would come up with for these dolls after faring so well with the disabled Barbie friend?  Also Available: Homosexual Ken               Now, as I said before, this is all written in good fun, so please, enjoy the laugh that at least one or two of these Barbie never-gonna-happen prototypes afforded you.  If you can think of any more Barbie Dolls Never Sold In Stores, feel free to tell us!  We’d love to hear about them!                 For feedback, visit our message board or e-mail the author at talonkarrde@g-pop-net.