Chloe for President
by Chloe Minners
The 2016 Presidential Elections have been very one-sided thus far. As I watch the candidates and listen to their views on the United States, I notice vast differences in their styles and who they actually want to represent, but one thing remains the same - if you don’t walk on two feet and have an opposable thumb, they don’t represent you! That is why I have decided to enter the Presidential Race!
Now, you probably want to know what qualifies me to run for President. I was born to street cats and never knew my parents. Thrown into a cage at an early age with juvenile delinquent kitties and orphan kitties like myself, I found two humans who were willing to take me into their home and instilled in me the belief that a kitty can be any sort of kitty she wants to be so long as she is willing to work for it. I worked hard to earn my degree in Human and Kitty Studies, paying for college via loans from my humans and working part time as a DJ for WKCU, the campus radio station. I’ve been an active member of the Kitties for Equal Rights group and have advocated for aid to homeless kitties out there, often sending what I can to Best Friends Animal Society in an effort to give back to all those homeless animals in need.
As I listen to the differing views on Obama-care - whether it should stay or go - I say, where is the representation for us?! I love the idea of people with pre-existing conditions being able to finally get health insurance without prejudice. So why are Pet Insurances holding us to a different standard?! I say all kitties…yeah, and dogs and hamsters and birds and stuff…should be held to the same standard! We should be able to get equal health care, no matter what pre-existing condition we have!
They say that there is a disparity between the wealthy and the poor, well that increasing difference goes for us pets, too, but no one seems to notice. Some of the animals I have spoken to say that their people are buying them bargain brand food just so they can eat! Seriously?! A cat eating some store brand cat food instead of Fancy Feast?! That should never happen! If I am President, every kitty in America will know the luxury of eating Fancy Feast every day, especially weekends!
As for the subject of catnip - I say it should be legalized across America. I myself use ‘nip for medicinal purposes. I have anxiety issues and catnip helps me stay on point. I know kitties with arthritis and glaucoma and the ‘nip is the best thing that ever happened to them. But why make us slink around under furniture and behind doors to get our ‘nip when we could experience it in company right on the living room carpet? That’s why, if I am President, medicinal catnip will be available for all who need it!
If I am President, I will limit the number of dogs allowed to live in one home. It is not fair to the doggies to have three, four or more other doggies sharing room and board in a one bedroom apartment. Besides, the rest of us have sensitive ears and all that barking in one place can really hurt a kitty’s eardrums. That’s why, if I am President, there will be a limit to two-dogs per bedroom. You want four dogs, get a two bedroom apartment!
And as for the situation of migrating squirrels - we don’t need ‘em. They invade our trees and bushes and have no regard to where they eat and poop and spray…yes, they spray, I’ve seen it! These squirrels are constantly destroying property and building nests in other people’s territory, then attacking…or at least giving you dirty looks...if you tell them they are trespassing. I want these illegal migrant squirrels gone. That’s why, if I am President, all squirrels will be required to register and stay in their zones. Otherwise, they will have to stay on the other side of the wall - the nut wall I will have them pay to build themselves. What? You say they can climb walls - well, we’ll just have to build an electric fence instead! I know kitties and puppies alike will agree that these migrant squirrels are a menace to society and must be stopped!
If I am President, there will be no leashes and dogs, kitties, birds and other assorted animals will no longer have to stay in cages. If you didn’t want your home redecorated by an animal, you should have never invited us. Leaving us in cages while you go out and play is a ridiculous and barbaric process. I, myself, have never experienced this nightmare, but I know others who have and feel like prisoners in their own home. This practice will be banned as soon as I become President!
Now for taxes! Why is it that human food is tax free with the exception of luxury items like candy, meanwhile our food is subject to tax?! If I become President, there will be no taxes on kitty, puppy, fish, guinea pig, etc. food. That’s right, bird seed will be tax free!
All animals who live with humans deserve fair treatment! We are their sources of entertainment, their companions and often times their only sense of security in this harsh world! At the very least, we should be treated with the same dignity as any human would be expected to be treated and that’s why you need to elect Chloe Minners as President in 2016!
I’m Chloe Minners and I approve this message.
Paid for by the Chloe Minners for President campaign fund.