Dime Store Philosophy:
Iím Ready To Take On the World...during the next commercial break
By Ismael Manzano
Welcome back to my sphere of influence all of you in the WWW, back to the Dime Store. I have you all in my clutches and will henceforth keep you indefinitely. Iím joking of course, and I know you all did not click onto my blog to hear me tell you how much you need me. I open this Dime Store with an essay-like postulation: Ambition is essential for getting through life. Without ambition, oneís life remains stagnant, destined to tread water in an ocean of Olympic gold medal swimmers, to watch clouds go by while others board rocket ships to touch them, to bemoan your have-nots while others fight to garner millions of dollars as musicians, radio shock jocks, authors and pathetically mustachioed dictators.
Contrarily, despite my opinion on the matter, I have been, thus far, unable to take my own advice. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I never had much ambition for anything beyond continued mastery of breathing and proper maintenance of my blood supply. Maybe it doesnít sound like much but ask any scientist how difficult it is to change Oxygen to Carbon-Dioxide. It takes A LOT of work, and lots of fancy machines and years in medical school. Whereas I was born with the ability to breathe in one element, convert it to another and breathe it back out, without any conscious effort at all. My lungs can do the work of many expensive scientific machines; I think thatís worth some praise.
Seriously, my aspiration in life prior to now has been not to disturb the natural flow of life. It was always a problem, my inability to make decisions or choose a course of action for myself. It is a big failing of mine and I regret much of the things Iíve let slip by in life as a result. In the past, I would base my actions on which course would disrupt the least amount of people and would be easiest for me to accomplishĖwhich usually meant sitting back and waiting for life to come to me.
Well, big surprise, I went nowhere. I lived in my parentsí apartment until I was twenty-sevenĖalthough in my defense, my folks had moved out by then (thatís right, I stuck around as they got sick of the place and bailed; way to go me). I did not go to college straight after High School like I should have and am only now halfway through my junior year (at age thirty-three). The writing career I thought I would have by now has fallen so far by the wayside youíd need a super-powerful electron microscope and a cool enlargement machine to find it.
Itís my awareness of this failing that led me to write this blog entry, as a warning to others out there who would choose to do as I have done and let life come to them. It doesnít workĖwell, hardly ever works (former President George Bush did not strike me as the hard working type so much as the never-turn-down-a-job-your daddy-got-for-you- type). You need to take steps toward action, toward a true goal, or that goal will often never come anywhere near your terminally pathetic self. So, since I want to help you poor, challenged living beings, I think I will begin a club or a committee designed to nurture, guide, advise and, ultimately, love the desperately directionless. I think Iíll call it...Lethargic Antagonizing Zealot Individuals Against Social Stereotypes (L.A.Z.I.A.S.S).
Nah, on second thought, thatíll require too much work for me. Maybe someone else will read this article and pick up my torch for me...writing this blog tired me out.
Tangent: I just recalled that the Middle East is located on the continent of Asia. So that means that the Middle Easterners with whom the United States are currently at warĖby all geographic definitionsĖare Asian. Which I find funny because ((((CENSORED: the following statement was deemed too racy and obscene for the realm of this blog and has been removed for your protection by Ismael Manzano: Please accept our apologies and feel free to enjoy the remainder of this blog.))))
Hey! What the (((CENSORED)))!!! Thatís unfair! I canít be censored! I have rights! Thatís it! Iím suing! This is a clear violation of my first amendment rights! Iím going to own this blog before this is all said and done!
Wait...Oh...Excuse me...Iíve just been informed by my law firm, Ismael, Maanz and Oh, that there is no precedent for suing oneself in this or any capacity or for any violation. They further informed me that any attempt to do so will guarantee me a long stint in a padded room inside a mental hospital. So letís stop this nonsense about suing anybody, shall we? We shall speak of it no more.
So back to my laziness. A solution occurred to me a couple of days ago, as I sifted through the hundreds (minus ninety-nine) of emails Iíve received from my throngs (minus the throngs) of fans. With this newfound power of mine comes an inherent responsibility for me to utterly abuse that power to suit my own twisted purpose. I never thought along these lines before, but now I realize the untapped potential of this new medium. As I seeĖor delude myself to seeĖthe amount of people who willing choose to tune into my blog from one week to another, I realize how immensely powerful I can become. Suddenly, my narrow world of watching one crappy TV show after another, not getting fired from my even crappier job, and bemoaning my inability to balance the crappiest budget in history, is not enough for me. I want more. How much more, you ask. Thank you for asking.
My ultimate compromise between my desire to help my fellow LAZIASSí and my own terminal case of laziness is to parlay this new found platform to rule the world. Let me be your Czar, president, dictator, Ayatollah or whatever. The beauty of my plan is that I donít have to lift a finger to do anything. I leave it to you all, my hundred (minus ninety-nine, give or take) fans, to circulate my blogs around the world. Tell your family and schoolmates so they can tell their friends and their family and tell them each to do the same with their friends and family and to tell those friends and family to do the same with their own friends and family, with explicit instructions to likewise do similar with their family and their friends and their friendsí families and their familiesí friends and their so on and so and so forth and with that and such as and henceforth.
And so empowered with the support of your friends and family and their friends and family and their familiesí friends andĖ(((DELETED TO SPARE YOU)))Ėyou will all vote me in as President of the United States as an unprecedented write-in candidate in the 2012 election year....if you want to, because I know itís always hard to get up in the morning and drag yourselves to the election booths and pull that lever and then walk back home and pull the blankets back over your head and try to go back to sleep. Itís hard work, so I wonít be too upset if you guys canít do it. Okay. But in November of 2012, when I get a call from Obama conceding the office to me, well, youíll all have my thanks. Of course I will probably have forgotten about this blog by then and will think itís a joke of some kind, or maybe I just wonít be in the mood to run a country in three years. Who knows? I should start watching reruns of The West Wing, just in case.
Hope you guys managed to smuggle my advise out of these two pages of humor, and if so, hope it does you well in your future endeavors.
Thank you for visiting the Dime Store; enjoy your purchase.