Maury Madness

by Jon Minners

            I was sitting in the break room the other day, watching the Maury Povich Show. You really have to love that show. How many seasons has Povich masqueraded as a credible journalist when he is really just Jerry Springer with a higher profile wife? What is even more amazing is how Povich's show continues to air when every episode plays like a repeat of the last?

            I could stop watching Maury Povich for six weeks or three years and I guarantee you that the first time I put the show on, it is going to contain either a lie detector test or a DNA test. "You are 99.356934% not the father of this child!" Povich has the most accurate testing of any other television show in the history of television.

            But what gets me with all these shows are the guests. Sometimes, me and my girlfriend fight and I have learned that we have been wasting our time. The next time we fight, I have a better idea. No longer will we argue for lengthy periods of time. No...that would be stupid. From now on, we will not even bother trying to settle our differences. We will just take it to the public.

            "Honey...why do you leave your clothes on the floor," she'll say.

            "Baby...stop nagging me to death about my clothes. I will pick them up when I am good and ready," I'll respond.

            "That's it," she'll exclaim. "We're going to take this to Maury."

            When we get on Maury, three months later, it will be like we never discussed the matter before. Maury will have her on the show first and she will cry, wiping her eyes with a tissue as the crowd awws. "I just want a clean home," she'll sob.

            And then I'll come out. The crowd will boo me and I will lift my arms up in a confrontational matter as I ghetto walk over to my chair 80 feet away from my girlfriend as if she has a restraining order against me for not picking up my clothes. Suddenly, the tears will be replaced by expletives or will they?

            "I just want you to pick up your filthy clothes from the floor," she'll say. "Why do you have to be such a lazy person? You know you are extremely wrong in this matter."

            What people will hear is: "I just want you to pick up your (bleep) clothes from the floor. Why do you have to be such a lazy (bleep)? You know you are (bleep)(bleep)(bleep)."

            And then later, Maury will come out with the results of the lie detector test. "We asked Jon if he really meant it when he said he would pick up his clothes from the floor when he was good and ready. The results came back and Jon, you are 99.3749993330003%... not telling the truth."

            The crowd will gasp. My girl will run out of the room crying. I will run out after her. Maury will separate us and I will plead my case, apologize and claim that the most accurate lie detector test even the government doesn't have its hands on, is wrong. "I promise baby...I will pick up my clothes. I swear."

            She will hug me and believe me, and I will clean my clothes off the floor for a week, but when I start getting lazy again, it will be off to Jerry Springer where it will be discovered that I have been leaving my clothes on the floor of my girlfriend's house, but cleaning the clothes off the floor at another woman's home. Fists will fly. That's a guarantee. But everything will get resolved when we go on Oprah and she has a consultant help teach me how to clean my clothes more efficiently.

            Thank God for talk shows; saving the world, one problem at a time.


Check out more random thoughts from Jon Minners at his blog site: Blogging in Place


For feedback, visit our message board or e-mail the author at jminners@g-pop-net.