Feature Article

Random Acts of Ismael II

by Ismael Manzano


     Well lady or gentleman, you asked for it—okay, maybe you didn’t, but in my mind, you did, so deal with the responsibility—and now you have it: another Random Acts of Ismael for you to enjoy, share with friends, another influx of wisdom from which to mold your life around.  What?  You don’t stay up at night wondering when and what I’m going to write next?  You’re serious?  Good.  I wouldn’t want a fan that would have me as an idol anyways.  So, without further delay, another loosely strung together and—here’s the key word—random cluster observations for you—just you.

     Maybe it’s just me, but chicks with guns are hot!  I don’t know why, but there’s something about a beautiful woman with a deadly weapon aimed at you that is…I’m sick, I know…I’ll seek help later.

     Ever think about how much different life would be if we went full throttle with credit cards and got rid of money altogether?  It’d be a lot more fun swiping your card for a stripper than it would be for lunch, wouldn’t it?  But the homeless would have to get a card reader otherwise, they’d be s*&# out of luck, wouldn’t they?

      You ever turned the channel to a gymnastics program and, after only a few seconds comment “That’s not very special,” only to realize a second later that you’re watching the Special Olympics?  Really?  Well…neither did I.  Seriously.  I never did that.  Shut up!!  I don’t care if you don’t believe me!

      Life’s like riding a bike…you scrape half your face off once doing a front wheelie, and you just don’t feel like doing anything too exciting anymore. 

     I’d like to apologize for anyone who actually had half their face scraped off attempting a wheelie.  If my comment offended you…what the hell were you doing trying to do a front wheelie, anyway?  You’re lucky I don’t go to your hospital room and laugh at you…just stand there, point and laugh at you, while my friend videotapes it and sells the tape to one of those funny video television shows.  Ha.  How’s that for an apology.  

     Running with the bulls…Is there anything more asinine than that?  Oh, I’ve got a good idea for a new sport.  It’s called, ‘Outrunning a Bullet.’  I think it’ll sell out stadiums. 

Hey, asinine…good word huh?

      Have you ever, when handing over your monthly offerings to landlords, thought they should pay you for the privilege of having you live in their house?  That does not make me conceited, just realistic.  Why should I pay to live in their house?  I’m providing a service too.  I’m good company, and funny too.  My wife would pay to have me live with her…Wait…wouldn’t that make me a live-in prostitute?  Scratch that…paying rent is okay with me.

     Next time you walk by a semi-truck, or a jeep, shout out, TRANSFORM!  The law of averages dictates that eventually, one of them will have to shed its disguise at your command and become a twenty-foot robot.  When that happens, let me know.

     Have you ever wondered why it is that when a man acts overly macho, people tend to think he’s overcompensating because he’s gay?  Why is that?  When was the last time anyone saw an overly flamboyant gay guy and thought, “Man that guy is so Hetero!”

     How come its okay to name your kids Christian or Jesus?  When was the last time you ran into someone and they said to you, “I’d like to introduce you to my daughter Seven-Day-Evangelist, and her twin brothers,  The-One-True-God and The Holy Spirit.”  Yeah, I know…I’m in for a heap load of smiting for that one.

     I hate Superman!  He is, without a doubt, the dumbest superhero ever created since the first caveman picked up his own feces and called it Uga-man.  Don’t agree?  Case-in-point:  In Superman I, after Lois’ death, Superman spins the world backwards on its axis to REVERSE TIME!  What school did he go to?  Cuz my education skipped over the part where spinning something in the opposite direction made it grow younger.  Spinning the world backwards would have skipped it off it’s axis completely, caused the tectonic plates to shift, crash into each other, and would have pretty much DESTROYED THE PLANET!  Tidal waves, volcanoes and earthquakes would replace civilization as we know it—that is, until the earth crashed into another planet and exploded!  Way to f’ing go, Superman!  That’s a great way to deal with the death of your girlfriend—KILL EVERYONE ON THE PLANET—is that what your father did to your home planet?       

In fact, that’s what really happened, in the movie: everyone died.  The rest of the three movies all took place within Superman’s mind while he rocked back and forth like a dribbling idiot on what was left of Saturn.  Batman would have just dug Lois out and given her CPR.  Didn’t think about that did ya, Superman!  Did ya?  DID YA? 


Related Article:  Random Acts of Ismael

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