Science Fiction / Animation
 

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Distributed By: Warner Bros. Pictures & Lucasfilm Animation

 

Counterpoint Review by Frank L. Ocasio

 

            There's only so much one person can take. 

            When I first saw The Phantom Menace, I remember being entertained, but confused. Very confused. It was not at all what I'd expected, and something of the classic Star Wars adventures of olde was missing. It was so much more quiet and less... fun. But whatever. I enjoyed it nonetheless. 

            Then n Episode II happened... and I was flat out dismayed. Either everything in the movie was base or it was disappointing... Or base and disappointing.  

            Episode III faired better, leaving me in that weird place people find themselves when their abusive better half decides against being abusive for a day or two; is everything okay now? Will they get better? 

            I'd decided for myself that they just might when I saw the first ads for Clone Wars. "He's a changed man," I told myself. "George is done Force feeding me crap." 

            And yet... within the first moment of Star Wars: Clone Wars, I realized that I was completely wrong. And I would've cried, but I refused to shed another tear for George Lucas

            And perhaps I had that resolve because Star Wars: Clone Wars is possibly one of the two worst movies I've ever seen. And I only say this because I'm sure there's something else that trumps it (even in that regard).  

            Quick Plot Summary: Anakin and Obi-Wan are called upon to find Jabba the Hutt's kidnapped son because if they do, Jabba will allow the Republic to use the Hutts' shipping lanes. Will the two--along with Anakin's new Padawan, Ahsoka Tano, be able to find the baby Hutt? And will they simultaneously be able to discover the mystery of who actually kidnapped the Huttlet and for what purpose? 

            Not the worst premise in the world. In fact, you may be telling yourself that you could possibly stand to find out. But really, no, you can't. Because you can't possibly imagine just how absolutely boring finding out would be. To try putting it in perspective for you, imagine lots of talking. Lots and lots of talking being done in a close, silent room, where nothing is happening. Good. Now, imagine that there are e lightsabers and Clone Troopers present, but that, somehow, this is all still happening in a room where people are just standing, staring at each other, and talking. And this talking, mind you, is the most terribly campy mess of physical pain you'll ever be dealt. All of that, mixed into a seemingly interminable hour and a half of movie magic, is Clone Wars; a husk of a Star Wars film, void of the bustling life and beauty that was always present in each film, despite how bad some of them were. A vacant shell where sense and intrigue should've been (if even only to a slight degree); you will not care what's happening in Clone Wars. You will only want it to end. 

            I can only really say, congratulations, LucasFilm. You almost made me hate all of Star Wars. You really, really did. 

            If you love Star Wars, if you really do, don't go see Star Wars: Clone Wars. It will only physically disturb you and uproot the deep, passionate ties you may have with the series. 

One more thing before I quit: If you haven't already seen them--or even if you have--Cartoon Network's Clone Wars series would definitely assuage any thirst you may have for Clone War related adventures. Why not save your money and watch Shaak-Ti take on General Grievous? Trust me--her bid to save Chancellor Palpatine from Grievous will be far more entertaining than the entire Clone Wars film.

Check out the original review by Melissa Minners: Star Wars: The Clone Wars

 

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