Warning: Reading This Article May Be Hazardous to Your Funny Bone!

By Melissa Minners

            I should not be allowed to watch the news - every time I watch, I get pissed off.  The news story earning my wrath this week: a group of concerned individuals are working toward getting a warning label placed on hot dogs because they present a choking hazard for young children.  Are you kidding me?  Gee - round thing eaten too quickly without much chewing can make you choke.  How could I have possibly known this?!

            In my opinion, this warning label craze all began with the invention of miniature electrical devices.  Think about it - someone with very little knowledge of the dangers of electricity actually thought it would be fine to bring a small electric radio into the shower.  Just plug it in and sit it next to the bath.  Zzzaaap!!!  Oops!  Or what about that fool who thought it would be a great idea to bring a hairdryer into the shower with them - can I just ask why you would do such a silly thing in the first place?

            Years later, someone found the need to place a warning label on a curling iron.  It reads something like - Warning: Application to skin may cause serious burns.  Gee, it’s an iron…do you think that if I touch my skin with something that is hot and used to either press things flat or curl things up that it will burn me?  Hmmmm.

            Things really spiraled out of control with the highly publicized lawsuits filed by ignoramuses…or is it ignorami?  Like the woman who was burnt by the coffee at McDonald's prompting the warning placed on all hot beverage cups stating that the contents inside may be hot.  Let’s see - you ordered a hot cup of coffee, right?  Not iced coffee…and I’m pretty sure you didn’t want lukewarm coffee as most people simply don’t order lukewarm coffee.  The steam coming off of the coffee never tipped you off that it may be hot.  So you stick the hot cup of coffee between your legs while sitting in your car and attempt to pry off the lid.  Now, pardon my asking, but were you driving at the time, because if you were, you were posing a hazard toward other drivers and you should have been sued.  Instead, you sued McDonald's because you spilled hot coffee on your inner thigh through your own stupidity and now we have a hot beverage warning label.

            Then there was the fast food lawsuit.  Gee, you mean eating McDonald's, Wendy’s, KFC and Burger King every day might be unhealthy to me?  Eating a 20 case of White Castles three times a week might make me obese?  French fries and fried chicken every day may cause my arteries to clog?  Nooooo!  Say it isn’t so!  Please warn me of these things before I eat your food!

            Look, we have warning labels for everything out there.  If you look carefully at your electrical appliances, you will notice all kinds of warnings, some of which seem pretty outrageous.  Unfortunately, what you may not realize is that each of these written warnings come from someone doing something incredibly stupid.  Yes, that warning on your microwave about not using it to dry pets is there because someone actually tried to do exactly that.  If there’s a warning label on the appliance, it means someone’s already done exactly what they are warning you against doing and hurt themselves or someone else.

            Now, I think some warning labels are good like “keep away from small children and pets” or “if you get this product in your eye, do this…”.  But must we have warning labels for everything?  Can’t we use common sense people?  What other warning labels do we need?  Hmmmm…reading in the dark may cause eye strain.  Yeah, I think that warning label needs to go on every book.  And how about placing this label on every food and beverage out there: talking while ingesting this product may cause choking.  Or how about this one: if you pay one dollar for this lottery ticket, you may not get any money back.  What about stepping in front of this bus may cause you internal injuries or death?

            Give me a break, people!  Let’s get our acts together and stop with all of these nonsensical lawsuits and warning labels.  And before you decide to sue me for spewing your water while laughing at the contents of this article and frying your computer, just remember the warning label at the top of this article: Warning: Reading This Article May Be Hazardous to Your Funny Bone!


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